jigglephysics | THE CHRISTENING

[ IF YOU CANT TAKE THE HEAT

GET OUT OF THE TITAN

or lay out behind the stables in the shade and stare at the sky, hoping for a more merciful death than this. that's eren's ultimate choice in this situation. ]

Hey, Eren.

( ughhhhhhhhh it's hoooooooot even levi's like uniform jacket?? what's that??? hahaha???? if he were a lesser man, he would be a cranky fucking toddler, but as it is, he has far more pressing issues to attend to than trying not to go insane as he sweats to death.

he is holding...kitties!! four squirming little kittens in his arms!! awww... they're kind of dirty and look thirsty and hungry and like they're hating life a lot right now too. some jackass in their squad who will go unnamed (partially because i can't decide on a canon point and because i'm nowhere near caught up) must have left them in the squad's meeting room or something, because that's where he found them and he may be a hardass, but he's not going to fucking like. leave a bunch of baby cats to dehydrate and die in his fuckin board room, he's not a sociopath.

eren is the only person he could find so levi decided that his day isn't the only one that's getting ruined. )

Help me find a basket and some bowls.

( :/ )

[ god, is that you

no it's just fuckin levis short ass standing over him--

wait captain levi? oh no, and here he is, strewn out on his back like a useless piece of shit when he probably had chores or something he completely forgot about when his shirt stopped being tolerable.

eren startles and rolls over immediately, trying to peel himself off the grass. he again looks at levi and notices the balls of fluff and looks startled by them. what the hell are cats doing out here? and just babies?

he goes to ask a logical question, but instead his brains have leaked out of his fuckin nose or something because he hears himself ask-- ]

W-We're not gonna cook them, are we?

[ and then those words are out there and eren just lets himself collapse back on the ground and lays his head on the grass, face-down. They don't have meat! It's... not far fetched people probably eat whatever they can get their hands on in the boonies but.

Fuck. Just stomp his skull already, Levi, save him from himself and his nasty humidity. ]

( wow. while eren has his little teenage tittyfit, levi just stares down at him with a mildly judgmental gaze as if wordlessly asking what the fuck is wrong with him. did eren seriously ask that?? yes. yes he did. levi can't say he's ever heard of eating fucking kittens, even in the slums, but he's too hot and sweaty and disgusting to think about it too much.

still. he watches eren with a critical expression, before giving his head the faintest of judgmental shakes as he says in a judgmental tone that's so judgmental, even regina george would feel bad being at the receiving end of such judgment. )

...No.

( as he jostles one of the little monsters, the one teething on his poor cravet-- )

Someone left them in the meeting room. They're going to get sick and die in this heat, so let's get them some water. Unless you feel like dealing with dead baby cat carcasses.

( he isn't sure if he was trying to be funny, he...doesn't know...much of anything right now...it's too hot to think too hard... )

[ if u cant take the teenage tittyfit get out of the teenager

wait

anyway, eren concedes to the fact that levi isn't going to free him from this exhausting, ass crack soaking heat like the merciful and benevolent ruler he thought him to be when he was a stupid 7 year old and is instead enlisting him in a kitten rescue.

he's gotten worse tasks, why not. he starts to pick himself off the ground and dust himself off, thinking of a good spot to put the bowls so they can keep the kittens somewhere inside and safe. ]

No, not really. I'm sure there's a basket in the stables. I'll go look, I guess.

[ not like levi can root around with an arm full of kittens. he starts making his way around the stable, hoping to snag a blanket, too. ]

( it's too hot to be in any teenagers and taking their tittyfits but maybe later tonight if eren isn't an accomplice in letting these kittens die. until then, he's following after eren with light footsteps, a little too preoccupied with a particular little whiner who keeps trying to climb onto levi's shoulder. he's trying to shrug the little bastard down but it's just not happening. )

Try to find something before this one here eats my face.

( it has resorted to chewing on his hair...i don't know why cats do this and neither does levi. he feels so gross, there is sweat and fur and kitten spit all over him and he just. wants to die. at least titans gobble you up in one big bite, assuming they catch you. this little shitlords are killing him slowly, softly, methodically........ )

[Getting caught on stable duty sucks, especially in this heat. What is it about warm weather that makes horses shit more than usual? It's uncanny.]

[It's even worse knowing that Eren is laying out there behind the stables, doing jack shit while Jean busts his ass. However, all that time brooding gives him time to think of a plan. Once all the horses are taken care of (because while he's a jerk, he's not going to let animals go hungry or without water for the sake of shenanigans), Jean sneaks out behind the barn, a bucket of warm water in one hand. He creeps around the edge until he can see Eren, and waits for it... waaaaaits for it...]

[A veritable wave of water comes crashing down from around the corner, aimed directly at Eren's face. Take that, you lazy fuck, and serves you right.]

[ You know, he should have expected this. He should have seen this coming. Why wouldn't Jean go ahead and pull this kind of shit? Can't he let Eren lay there, continuing to call on the universe to put him out of his miserable, sweaty, sweaty life?

But he didn't. The water hits him and he feels as if he's been doused in soup. It nearly turns his stomach with how gross it felt in this heat. If it'd been cool, he'd probably have thanked him, but now he's just sopping with water as well as sweat with even less relief.

He snaps his wide eyes open, looking over at Jean wildly for a long, quiet moment before he springs to his feet and charges at him, ready to knock his lights out. ]

[Clearly no. The universe knows that Jean has dibs on ending Eren's sweaty little life, and dammit, dibs are a sacred thing.]

[Jean brays loud, obnoxious laughter at the look on Eren's face, and is already off and running by the time Eren gets up and charges him. He's fast, but Eren is fast too, and if he's going to keep ahead of him, he needs a fair head start.]

Gods Eren, you're sweating like Bertolt, what the fuck?

THE CHRISTENING

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